After a rigorous investigation, sources now confirm that the features writer for HenryPanky.com committed frequent acts of humoristic fraud, fabrication, plagiarism and unwelcome exposure upon unsuspecting website readers. Today, the obviously deeply-shaken publisher, Henry E. Panky, made this statement to the stray, diseased animals commonly found skulking around his domicile: "Oh, sad, sad morn. This horrifying breach of trust represents one of the top five low points of the past seven to ten days. Our hearts go out to the injured hounddogs and their families."
After tossing gruesome chunks of flyblown meat and gristle around to his "pretties," the publisher went on to speculate that the hot-peppered stool idea, which he deemed "damned clever," was inspired by "Cool Hand Luke," "The Defiant Ones," and/or the Jon Voight prison-break movie wherein Mr. Voight, looking terrifically ugly for someone who was once such a nice looking lad, slathered his naked, ropy body in thick, black axle grease, wrapped himself with saran wrap, and then slid to freedom in an icy waterfall of rancid sewage. "Oh Lordy be! The things that men do," shuddered the publisher, shuffling back into the windowless shed purchased from the Kaczynksi family. "But I'm almost positive that the hot-peppered droppings came from one of those three films."
Managing editor Henry E. Panky made this statement, "This is a deeply disturbed, malignant, middle-aged, bi-polar schizophrenic, whose head was freakishly oversized as a grotesquely skinny child. There is also evidence that his brain may have been removed during a hernia operation. He's unwell and possibly undead, and needs our help. Unfortunately, our health plan doesn't cover these things, so we've readied the rusty cage previously inhabited by the office weasel. It died of the zeitgeist."
According to the President, "Hanky Panky not welcome" at Crawford ranch.
It is now clear the renegade scrivener misled readers and colleagues with dispatches purporting to be amusing, while concocting interviews, interior monologues and gratuitous sex scenes. Contrary to representations, evidently Mr. Panky played only the most negligible of roles in the capture of Uday Hussein, and it now appears dubious that the writer ever participated in the "five-way" with Clarence Thomas, Lou Dobbs, Karl Rove and Rush Limbaugh described in such visceral detail in Mr. Panky's 6-part, Pulitzer prize-winning series, "The Sandwich Meat of Powerful Men." (Later published in book form as "Hot, Fat & Crowded.")
Book publisher signs Panky to burgeoning "Rogue Journalist" imprint.
"Did the fact that he was a poltroon play any part in his continued employment?" executive editor Henry E. Panky mused at the town-hall-style meeting of website staff. "Absolutely not! At least, not consciously. But we've always had a commitment to diversity - Jeez, just look around at this freak show. Also, my mother's people were poltroons. So, maybe, on the other hand, I have to say yes."
The publisher apologized, in particular, to the lovely, talented actress, Meg Ryan, who literally convulsed with distaste over the discredited writer's representation that they had "circled each other like a cheetah (or armadillo) chasing its own nasty tail." "Ugh," she said, making a lemony face that implied a terribly foul taste - though even then, she was so cute you just wanted to gobble her up and lick the plate besides.