Henry E. Panky is almost certainly the nom de plume of a well-known intellectual of international and mind-numbing stature. Think along the lines of Henry “Krazy Kat” Kissinger, Michel “Fancy Pants” Foucault or Naguib “Naguib” Mahfouz (the Egyptians never really got a handle on the nickname thing). Ed McMahon, Dr. Phil and The Tom Clancy Op Center have also been touted as credible candidates. Reluctantly, I am going rule out even the most plausible of our female luminaries – Susan Sontag, Jhumpa Lahiri, Connie Chung, Angelina Jolie – mainly because of … well, reasons too complicated to explain here.
So, anyway, a Great Man subsiding into the querulous twilight years of senescence, who does not yet want to go quietly into that good night. He wants to dance naked upon the razor’s edge, shave his head, grow a goatee, make love standing up, and generally show off the kooky, unpredictable side he’s heretofore wisely kept hidden from fans, shareholders and Nobel Prize Committees.
This is one theory, which I personally think has a lot to recommend it, but the publishers aren’t biting.
Conversely, but less interestingly, Mr. Panky might be a balding, sad-faced, middle-aged clown, hollowed out by life, who dropped out of college, studied with the Maharishi, sold books, computers, real estate, and Chiclets to tourists, and now dreams of being the next Dave Barry, Dave Eggers, Dave Sedaris, Dave Letterman or another famous Dave.
Sure it’s sad. You want happy, watch The Lenny Bruce Story.
Patrick Carlisle is a balding, middle-aged man who doesn’t like to think of himself as either sad-faced or clownish, though as the saying goes, “If the shoe fits, wear it.” After a distinguished high school career, he studied with the Maharishi, dropped out of Brown University, managed a bookstore, worked in high tech, and sold some of the world’s most overpriced real estate. The stress of such a perilous and untamed life, along with women problems, agoraphobia, hair loss, dry skin, drug flashbacks, too much caffeine, a broken car horn, and the OJ, Elian, Monica and Election 2000 fiascos, which, admittedly, he took much too personally, ultimately led to a psychological crisis for which he now takes a variety of pills and softgels.
Living in the San Francisco Bay Area, Mr. Carlisle is now working on his next book, "Tuesdays With Henry E. Panky: The Gentle Wisdom of a Man Called It." This is a “small, magical gem of heart-love, heart-wisdom, heart-healing and other deeply heartfelt heart-stuff.” Mr. Carlisle says he’s doing this one for “the dough and the bimbos.”
IMPORTANT DISCLAIMERS
Disclaimer #1
The opinions and views expressed herein, including, but not limited to, those of a political, social, religious, racial, psychological, sexual or drug-abusing nature, should not be construed to reflect, in any way whatsoever, the sentiments of the author himself. If a scapegoat is required, let us look to our crepuscular era itself, of which Mr. Panky is only the capering and all-too-willing mouthpiece. He’s like the White House spokesperson, but with a more intelligible boss.
Disclaimer # 2
Virtually no research has gone into the work at hand. Once started down that hell-bound highway, it’s virtually impossible to get off, raised expectations and such. There are, however, a few egregious exceptions. The author did look up the spelling of “Lippizaner” for a piece he subsequently shitcanned. Fortuitously, a gratuitous reference to this magnificent beast was subsequently squeezed into a later work. Mr. Panky also reluctantly double-checked the identities of the co-stars of "The Dick Van Dyke Show," and in this case, his instincts served him well, because he had apparently confused Morey Amsterdam with Buddy Hackett, and Rose Marie with Rosemary Clooney. We are still not absolutely positive these last two are indeed different people. After all, since when was “Marie” a last name?
The movie reviews, often written decades after the film in question was seen, are particularly prone to what psychiatrists call “false memory syndrome.”
Any other so-called “errors” or “misrepresentations of fact” should be considered the deliberate display of writerly craft by a master unchained by slavish convention. EXCEPT in those situations where legal liability is involved, in which cases the author offers heartfelt apologies for any inadvertent mistakes which may have slandered, libeled or otherwise given actionable offense. It was definitely not his intent to be held responsible for his writings.
Disclaimer # 3
All characters, places, situations and references are absolutely and completely fictional, even those that are patently authentic. This is all simply part of Mr. Panky’s extravagantly-ignored genius. For example, the Henry “Krazy Kat” Kissinger referred to in the Author Biography is not the huggable, former Secretary of State and Teutonic bon vivant, but simply an imaginary creature sprung full grown from the author’s fetid psyche. Apropos of which, the author would personally enjoy giving the historical Mr. Kissinger a couple of affectionate scalp nougies, a smack-happy pink belly, and a piquant taste of the foot bastinado, and then hose him down with a high-pressure water nozzle, shrieking, “Dance, Mama, dance!” All of which to occur on a prime-time HBO Special. Kind of like a celebrity roast; Mr. Panky has always wanted to do one of those. We do hope you’ll join us. BYOB.
Disclaimer # 4
Twisted humor and social satire are like bonbons filled with glutinous cherries, marzipan and Harvey’s Bristol Cream: truly, no more than two or three should be ingested at any one sitting. The author cannot be held responsible for any unpleasant physiological or psychological conditions which may result from the violation of this advisory.
Agreement
If you understand and accept the above disclaimers, please go to your desk, pick up your computer mouse and whisper, “Hello Mr. Panky, howya doing? I understand and accept your terms of usage,” to the place where the mouse’s left ear would be if it had an ear. (If it does have an ear, you’ve picked up the wrong kind of mouse, and should try harder to keep your desk free of food crumbs.) Otherwise, we must insist that you return immediately to the "Fox News Channel" for more nonsensical right-wing hysteria. Thank you. We hope you make the right decision.
