IMPORTANT DISCLAIMERS
Disclaimer #1
The views expressed herein, including those of a political, social, religious, sexual or substance-abusing nature, should not be construed to reflect, in any way whatsoever, the sentiments of the author himself. If a scapegoat is required – and most of us do take a childlike glee in having a live, bleating receptacle of our own repulsive sins, to flagellate, stone and drive beyond the gates of our own tidy, meretricious lives – let us look to our pestilential era itself. Of which the enthusiastic Mr. Panky is only the howling, noisome pie-hole.
A preacher in the wilderness shimmy-bopping to the calliope music only he can hear. Eager to push your struggling head beneath the tepid, baptismal waters of the holy Jordan. “Oh brothers, let’s go down. . .”
Disclaimer # 2
Virtually no research has gone into the work at hand. Once started down that hell-bound highway, it’s virtually impossible to get off, raised expectations and such. There are, however, a few egregious exceptions. For instance, the author did look up the spelling of “Lippizaner” for a piece he subsequently shitcanned. Fortuitously, a gratuitous reference to this marvelous beast was subsequently squeezed into a later work.
Any other so-called “errors,” "plagiarisms" or “misrepresentations of fact” should be considered the deliberate display of writerly craft by a master unchained by slavish convention. EXCEPT in those situations where legal liability is involved, in which cases the author offers heartfelt apologies for any mistakes made by assistants which may have inadvertently slandered, misappropriated or otherwise given actionable offense. Those nasty, little hobbits shall certainly get what they deserve. It was certainly not Mr. Panky's intent to be held responsible for his writings.
Disclaimer # 3
All characters, places, situations and references are absolutely fictional, even those that are patently authentic. For example, the “Weasel-Dick” Cheney referred to in various pieces is not the smart, funny, snuggable, former VP, but simply an imaginary golem sprung full grown from a fragile genius over-agitated by current politics. Which is not to say that the author wouldn’t enjoy stripping, strapping, hooding, belly-pinking and bastinado-ing the genuine Weasel Dick. Then fire-hosing the sick smirk off his face while screaming, “Answer the question, Muhammed!” Like a celebrity roast. Mr. Panky has always wanted to do one of those. BYOB.
Disclaimer # 4
Unfair and Unbalanced is like a secret-Santa gift box packed with homemade, treacle-oozing truffles. Or, alternatively, for those who prefer salty over sweet, a grease-spotted carton of spicy dim sum dumplings, stuffed with redolent meatlike pastes and lumps. No matter how good they look, smell and taste, no more than one or two should be ingested at any one sitting.
All Henry E. Panky products are processed at a facility exposed to wheat products, lactose, cat dander, dust mites, mold, peanuts, tree nuts, shrub nuts, corn nuts and jelly donuts.
Disclaimer # 5
"Some were born to sweet delight. Some were born to endless night."
Agreement
If you accept these disclaimers, go to your desk, pick up the computer mouse and whisper, “Hello Mr. Panky, I am (or can pass for) at least 12 years of age, and despite what I’ve just read, I still want to join the conga line.” Otherwise, we suggest you return to the talking bed bugs at Fox Network News for more ignorant, hate-filled, toxic spew. We hope you make the right decision.
This is believed to be a rare photo of Mr. Panky cradling the priceless ron Weasley Stone.* Speculation as to why the reclusive author became a sock monkey have centered on 3 main theories: 1) to escape extradition and prosecution for plagiarizing every humorist since John of Patmos, 2) to so change his appearance (a la Mickey Rourke in "Angel Heart") that Satan cannot find him and drag his soul to hell, and/or 3) to reduce his carbon footprint. Here he is accompanied by a zäftig sock-monkey lady friend, assumed to be a member of his granfalloon.
* A smooth, speckled stone about the size of a small, fat hamburger (or turkey burger) with "ron Weasley" written upon it in black, indelible magic marker, the famous "Ron Weasley Stone" was, incredibly, purchased by Mr. Panky for literally pennies and nickels from an unwitting child selling specialty rocks, pinecones, chestnuts & acorns from a card table in its driveway. As the stone itself has been carbon-dated some millions of years old, many speculate the handwriting cannot be human, and it is reputed to have been owned by the the Knights of the Round Table, the Knights Templar, Gladys Knight & the Pips, Bobby Knight, and the Knights who say "Nee!" As with so much else regarding this ancient and mysterious artifact, exactly why it is called the "Ron Weasley Stone" and who first named it thus remains unknown.
"And up from his mind...came a bubblin' crude"
"The Ballad of Henry E Panky"
