Patrick Carlisle is a balding, middle-aged man who doesn’t like to think of himself as either sad-faced or clownish, but still pulls on a rubber face mask of blithe, clever and vivacious expression for the odd child, solicitor or religious fanatic ringing his doorbell. After a distinguished high-school career, he was anointed a "Governor of the Age of Enlightenment" by His Holiness Mr. M. M. Yogi, attended a prestigious Ivy League school for 9 weeks, and then, in subsequent decades, peddled encyclopedias, computers, real estate and balloon animals in a desperate struggle for lucre. The stress of such a perilous and untamed life, along with women problems, agoraphobia, hair loss, gluten, Y2K and the Election 2000/2004 fiascos--which, admittedly, he took much too personally--ultimately led to a psychological crisis for which he now takes a variety of snake oils, softgels and motivational platitudes.
Living in the San Francisco environs, Mr. C is now working on his next books, "Piggy Got a Green Bean", a children's morality tale about a nasty little boy turned into a pug dog named Piggy, and "Tuesdays With Henry E. Panky: The Gentle Wisdom of a Man Called It" which the author describes as “a small, magical gem of heart-love, heart-wisdom, heart-healing and other deeply heartfelt heart-stuff.” Mr. Carlisle says he's doing these latest projects for “the dough and the bimbos.”
IMPORTANT DISCLAIMERS
Disclaimer #1
The opinions and views expressed herein, including, but not limited to, those of a political, social, religious, racial, psychological, sexual or drug-abusing nature, should not be construed to reflect, in any way whatsoever, the sentiments of the author himself. If a scapegoat is required, let us look to our pestilential era itself, of which Mr. Panky is only the capering and all-too-willing mouthpiece.
Disclaimer # 2
Virtually no research has gone into the work at hand. Once started down that hell-bound highway, it’s virtually impossible to get off, raised expectations and such. There are, however, a few egregious exceptions. The author did look up the spelling of “Lippizaner” for a piece he subsequently shitcanned. Fortuitously, a gratuitous reference to this magnificent beast was subsequently squeezed into a later work. Mr. Panky also reluctantly double-checked the identities of the co-stars of "The Dick Van Dyke Show," and in this case, his instincts served him well, because he had apparently confused Morey Amsterdam with Buddy Hackett, and Rose Marie with Rosemary Clooney. We are still not absolutely positive these last two are indeed different people. After all, since when was “Marie” a last name?
The movie reviews, often written decades after the film in question was seen, are particularly prone to what psychiatrists call “false memory syndrome.”
Any other so-called “errors” or “misrepresentations of fact” should be considered the deliberate display of writerly craft by a master unchained by slavish convention. EXCEPT in those situations where legal liability is involved, in which cases the author offers heartfelt apologies for any inadvertent mistakes which may have slandered, libeled or otherwise given actionable offense. It was definitely not his intent to be held responsible for his writings.
Disclaimer # 3
All characters, places, situations and references are absolutely and completely fictional, even those that are patently authentic. This is all simply part of Mr. Panky’s extravagantly-ignored genius. For example, Richard "the Weaselheart" Cheney, as respectfully referred to various pieces, is not the huggable, former VP and bon vivant, but simply a weird, imaginary creature sprung full grown from the author’s over-ripe psyche. Speaking of whom, the author would personally enjoy giving the actual Dick a vigorous rasher of scalp nougies, a smack-happy pink belly, and a piquant taste of the foot bastinado; then hose him down with a with a high-pressure water nozzle while shrieking, “Answer the question, Mohammed!” All of which to occur on a prime-time HBO Special -- kind of like a celebrity roast. Mr. Panky has always wanted to do one of those.
Disclaimer # 4
Humor, satire and soul-baring honesty of Mr. Panky's variety are like bonbons filled with glutinous cherries and Harvey's Bristol Cream: truly, no more than two or three (if any) should be ingested at any one sitting. The author cannot be held responsible for any unpleasant physiological or psychological conditions which may result from the violation of this advisory.
Disclaimer # 5
"Some were born to sweet delight. Some were born to endless night."
Agreement
If you understand and accept the above disclaimers, please go to your desk, pick up your computer mouse and whisper, “Hello Mr. Panky, howya doing? I understand and accept your terms of usage,” to the place where the mouse’s left ear would be if it had an ear. (If it does have an ear, you’ve picked up the wrong kind of mouse, and should try harder to keep your desk free of food detritus.) Otherwise, we must insist that you return immediately to the "Fox News Channel" for more bleating, hate-filled, right-wing hysteria. Thank you. We hope you make the right decision.
This is believed to be a rare photo of Mr. Panky cradling the priceless Ron Weasley Stone.* Speculation as to why the reclusive author became a sock monkey have centered on 3 main theories: 1) to escape extradition and prosecution for plagiarizing every humorist since John of Patmos, 2) to so change his appearance (a la Mickey Rourke in "Angel Heart") that Satan cannot find him and drag his soul to hell, and/or 3) to reduce his carbon footprint. Here he is accompanied by a lovely lady friend, assumed to be a member of his granfalloon.
* A smooth, speckled stone about the size of a small, fat hamburger (or turkey burger) with "ron Weasley" written upon it in black, indelible magic marker, the famous "Ron Weasley Stone" was, incredibly, purchased by Mr. Panky for literally pennies and nickels from an unwitting child selling specialty rocks, pinecones, chestnuts & acorns from a card table in its driveway. As the stone itself has been carbon-dated some millions of years old, many speculate the handwriting cannot be human -- alien, Lemurian and Angelic-Moronian being the leading candidates -- and it is reputed to have been owned by the the Knights of the Round Table, the Knights Templar, Gladys Knight & the Pips, Bobby Knight, and the Knights who say "Nee!" As with so much else regarding this ancient and mysterious artifact, exactly why it is called the "Ron Weasley Stone" and who first named it thus remains unknown.
"And up from his mind...came a bubblin' crude"
"The Ballad of Henry E Panky"
