The Selected Works of Henry E. Panky

The Crisis in Penis Extension

Disappointing figures released today confirm that penile growth rates continue to lag far behind increases in the annual Cost of Living index. While markets collapsed, analysts labeled the news "very discouraging."

In Congressional testimony, former Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan called "penis deflation" coupled with "dangerous sub-prime penis conditions" constitute a "catastrophe waiting to happen" and the "white, flaccid, sagging underbelly of the American economy." He was later overhead to say to a giggling Ben Bernanke, "Personally, I'm hung like a rhino and can rock all night long." The "Sphinx of the Fed" then put both hands behind his head and enigmatically pumped his ancient pelvis for the cameras. Markets briefly swelled and hardened on the news, before groaning, shriveling and flopping over again. As usual, bond yields fluctuated incomprehensibly.

Senator Clinton calls stem-cell research "key" to the nation's longterm penis-enlargement goals. "We cannot afford to lose more high-paying penis-extension jobs to China and India, nor to ignore the growing 'penis-length gap' undermining our children's ability to compete in tomorrow's global marketplace." She went on to maintain that her long experience dealing with "egregious penis-related issues" during her 8 years as First Lady gave her a special expertise in the subject.

Speaking to aides off-camera, Mrs. Clinton was then overheard to mention her intention to "perform some penis-shortening on a certain somebody with a toenail clipper" if the issue re-surfaced during her presidential campaign. She later claimed these innocent remarks were willfully misinterpreted by a vast right-wing conspiracy.

President Bush counter-attacked during his speech at the Lone Star Junior Quislings Association. "Military tribunals get me darn excited! [President grabs crotch and attempts moon-walk; light applause, uncomfortable tittering]. Electric shocks to the privits of foreigners ain't torture! That's jus' the Texas way of saying 'Howdy towel-head! Welcome to my world!' [cheers, standing ovation, flag waving] [The president grows suddenly solemn] Now...regarding peeney extending: The Democrats have an itty bitty ... plan. [smirks, holds thumb and forefinger an inch apart; vigorous clapping and rollicking laughter] Under my robust, faith-based and stimbulative ... plan [big grin, hands held wide apart; the rest of his comments is lost amid roars of approval, standing ovation and fog horns]. The President went on to speak gravely of the "sanctitudity of prayer" [smattering of applause], the need to "have Halliburton lay a big, thick oil pipe dam-blam-thank-you-ma'am straight into the virgin Alaskan bush" [standing ovation and shouts of "Four more years!"] and "MOST OF ALL, MORE TAX CUTS FOR THE RICH!" [roar of acclaim, standing ovation, fog horns, confetti, flag waving, band music, celebratory gun fire, conga line, balloon drop, and the hanging and burning of life-size effigies of Senators Clinton, Edwards and Obama]

From the Vatican, the Pope issued his widely anticipated "Biggus Dickus Est Iniquitum" encyclical denouncing penis enlargement as "Satanic overreaching." Religious commentators widely expect this to be every bit as effective as previous papal bulls against lipstick, masturbation, push-up bras, birth control, sex without procreation, nipple piercing, edible panties, rampant priestly pederasty, and spaghetti sauce without meat.

Actually, this is not a headline, but printed on a can of Chicken of the Sea Chunk Light Tuna In Water that I was opening for PeeWee & Tweeter. I unexpectedly found myself deeply moved by the can-do optimism that made America what it is today.

"We need more research," according to Fox commentator Sean "The Slizard" Hannity, "And why aren't we testing on homosexuals, convicts, dope-smokers and the rag-heads at Guantánamo?" Co-pundit Rush "Blimpy" Limbaugh applauded Mr. Hannity's "sound medical proposals" as well as his "family orientation, his patriotism and faith, his inclusiveness and the size of his nose, hands and feet."

Reverend Al Sharpton called a news conference to pronounce, with a slow, wide smile, "This is not an issue which affects my constituency, if you know what I mean and I think that you do. I know that white women understand what I'm saying, oh Lordy my, yes!" R&B star James Brown went on to perform his hits "My Thang" and "Say It Loud - I'm Black and I'm Proud." In the official Republican party rebuttal, Senator Trent Lott lamented that "If Mr. Thurmond had been elected President like the good people of Mississippi had wanted, the Reverend would be chuckling through the business end of a noose." He sincerely hoped that these remarks would not be misconstrued, because "I like darkies as long as they're not uppity."

Despite the National Organization of Women's demand for equal funding, polls continue to show surprisingly little popular support for larger vaginas, regardless of party affiliation. In a rare demonstration of bi-partisanship, Senate Leader Harry Reid stood by the President -- nodding, clapping and saying "Amen" -- as Mr. Bush made the following brief remarks in the Rose Garden: "Counter productive" "Not the time or the place" and "I don't like to think that way."

ANCIENT FORMULA DISCOVERED IN ABANDONED OIL DRUM!
What would you say if I told you that SCIENTISTS had discovered a CACHE of ancient formula CONCENTRATE concocted by GNOSTIC Alien ANGELS in 3 BC, and hidden FOR two thousand years INSIDE a rusty oil drum outside MILPITAS, that could safely increase the SIZE of your TOM DOOLEY by up to 22 inches in length and 5 inches in GIRTH, as well as adding built-in, sensation-enhancing ribbing at the same time! With NO splints, gourds, TAFFY-PULLERS or Man-Called-Horse hanging from meat-hooks!

WHAT IF THIS TIMELY DISCOVERY WAS FORETOLD BY THE BIBLE, Nostradamus, the Oracle of Delphi, Dr. PHIL, Thomas FRIEDMAN and Mr. Encyclopedia of WONDERAMA ... and each bottle COST only $2.95 plus tax, shipping, handling and surcharge?*

Sure it does! Well, how about receiving, with every prepaid, full Course of Treatment order,* a FREE 10 gallon spray-pump jug of pheromones AND a 25 kilo vat of testosterone pomatum? **

If you don't believe me, just LISTEN to what OUR CUSTOMERS are saying after just one week's treatment:

(George W. Bush on Iraq's prewar possession of the Lost Ark of the Covenant, the Spear of Destiny, King Arthur's sword Excalibur, the Monkey's Paw, the Death Ray of Atlantis, the Ring of Power, and three of those novelty-store handshake buzzer gizmos.)

"An' up from his mind...came a'bubblin' crude."
The Ballad of Henry E. Panky