Good evening, I’m Dr. Henry E. Panky and welcome! Tonight, we have a particularly exciting show for you! The subject: nail fungus! That’s right, nail fungus!
Before we dive in with both feet, you may want to swallow any food you’re still chewing, and run off any young children yet lingering in the vicinity, because some of the toenail photos in particular are disturbingly graphic. Frankly, I can’t stand to look at them, but they will flash on the studio screen and your screen at home every time I press this button. Like now! [Audience squeals and moans in revulsion] See what I mean! Here’s another! [More shrieks and moans, and one long wail which fades as slowly as the lonesome whistle of a freight train in a Bruce Springsteen song] Absolutely disgusting! Am I right or am I right? [Thunderous round of applause]
To kick things off, let’s start with the Newsweek quote, attributed to a senior Pentagon official, which recently exploded like a bombshell on the national consciousness:
“This bug is uglier than the dust mites in the carpet cleaning ads,
and comparable to what you would see if you put a sloppy joe under a microscope.
We know we’re sitting on a time bomb, but nobody wants to talk about it.”
[Wild ejaculations of alarm from audience]
Come on, people, settle down. We’re just getting warmed up here and need to pace ourselves. Ok, let’s kick off our discussion with a terrifying fact: almost 30 million Americans are already afflicted with the fungal infection most often seen in the toenails of men and the fingernails of women. Many of these people work in our supermarkets and restaurants; some are dental hygienists. First question to you, Reverend Robertson: what needs to be done?
“These people have copulated with the devil, and that is why they now display the goat-like claws of Satan. I have thousands of glossy Internet photos of homosexuals and liberals fornicating with attractive chimpanzees in sailor suits. Finally, I have proof, in my possession, that six of the Supreme Court Justices have nail fungus, as well as the mark of the Beast burnt into their aged hindquarters.” [Furious round of applause]
Verrrry interesting, I can see you’ve given this a lot of thought. But tell me, Reverend, why do we even have these little bits of animal horn at the tips of our toes to begin with?
“Because the Lord God Jehovah has them, and we were created in His holy image. They are also useful, if not terrible effective, for scratching the backs of your calves if one doesn’t want to bend over.” [Exclamations of “Hallelujah!” and “You tell ‘em, Rev!”]
Thank you, Reverend, it’s always an honor to have you on the show. Dr. Bill, you’ve written several bestselling cookbooks on the subject. Aside from not copulating with the Devil, do you have any other advice for our viewers today who want to avoid this heinous disease?
“Yes, indeed I do, Henry. One, keep your nails short, dry and clean. Two, do not share socks, nail clippers or toe rings with drug addicts, prostitutes and Congressional Republicans. Three, don’t chew your toenails or the toenails of strangers. And four, politely ask any waitperson with grotesquely yellow and twisted nails, not to put his or her thumb or big toe in your soup, gravy or garlic mashed potatoes. [General murmur of approbation] These simple precautions have been found to be every bit as effective as placebos in preventing the spread of this deadly plague. And off the top of my head, it certainly can’t hurt to avoid having unprotected sex with our brothers and sisters of the simian persuasion. At least not until we know more.”
Hmmm, prudent suggestions. Thank you, doctor. And now …
“One other thing, I’d like to mention, Henry, if I might.”
Yes, of course, Dr. Bill, please do.
“Studies have shown that toenails grow at 1 - 3 millimeters per month and fingernails at 2 - 4 mm per month. Analyzing this data with the most powerful supercomputers on the planet, scientists at NASA have tentatively concluded that fingernails sometimes, but not always, grow faster than toenails. If true, the ramifications are enormous.” [Oohs and ahhs of wonder from the audience]
Oh yes, I can see that. Fascinating … and terrifying.
We have just enough time for a few questions from our audience. Yes, you with the nylon stocking over your head.
“This question is for Dr. Bill. Can I get this bug from toilet seats?”
“You can catch just about anything from a toilet seat, and that’s why I never use them.” [Murmur of unease from the camera crew]
Whoa! Really? Wow! That’s a whole show right there. Well, maybe next week. Ok, the blonde lady in the second row in the hot pants and halter top who must weigh, I dunno, three, four hundred pounds:
“Reverend Pat, is it all right with Our Merciful Lord to use hot-pink nail polish on my toenails? My hubby really likes it.” [Knowing female chortles, and one husky “Uh huh, you got that right, girl!”]
“The Lord’s got nothing against a fine-looking woman wanting to please her man. And neither do I!” [Flirtatious titters, cowboy whoops and rebel yells]
Boy, lots of meat coming out of these questions. Let’s keep it going. All right, the dusky looking gentleman in the turban. No, not you – that’s a beret, not a turban – you:
“Dr. Bill, what if I don’t treat my nail fungus?”
“Lack of treatment may lead to nail loss or deformity, headaches, anxiety, nausea, seizures, asthma, stroke, constipation, dry mouth, liver damage, depression and suicide. Basically, you run the same risks as those associated with your daily antidepressant.”
“And secondly, why don’t you buy some hair plugs, man? You as bald as a manatee!”
“I won’t dignify that with an answer.”
“You pompous ass bag!” [Hoots of delight, stamping of feet]
And whoops! We’ve run out of time. Thank you, panel. And thanks for joining us! Good night everybody, and God bless! See you next week!
By Henry E. Panky
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