Good evening and welcome, I’m Dr. Henry Panky. Tonight, we have a particularly exciting show for you! About nail fungus! Why? Because your calls, letters and emails have begged for it!
Before we jump in with both feet, you may want to swallow any food you’re still chewing, and run off any young children lingering in the vicinity, because some of the toenail photos are disturbingly graphic. Frankly, I can’t stand to look at them, but they will flash on the studio screen and your screen at home every time I press this button. Like now! [Audience squeals and moans in revulsion] See what I mean! Here’s another! [More shrieks and moans, and one long wail which fades as slowly as the lonesome whistle of a freight train in a Bruce Springsteen song] Absolutely disgusting! Am I right or am I right? [Thunderous round of applause]
To kick things off, let’s start with the People Magazine quote, attributed to a senior Pentagon official, which recently exploded like a bombshell on the national consciousness:
“This bug is uglier than the dust mites in the carpet cleaning ads,
and comparable to what you would see if you put a sloppy joe under a microscope.
We know we’re sitting on a time bomb, but nobody wants to talk about it.”
[Wild ejaculations of alarm from audience]
Come on, people, settle down. We’re just getting warmed up here and need to pace ourselves. Ok, let’s kick off our discussion with facts: almost 30 million Americans are already afflicted with the fungal infection most often seen in the toenails of men and the fingernails of women. Many of these people work in our supermarkets and restaurants; some are dental hygienists. First question to you, Reverend Robertson: what needs to be done?
“These people have copulated with the devil, and that is why they now display his goat-like claws. I also have thousands of glossy, high-definition Internet photos of liberal Hollywood stars fornicating with attractive chimpanzees and bonobos in sailor suits. Finally, I have proof, in my possession, that six of the Supreme Court Justices have the mark of the Beast burnt into their aged hindquarters.” [Furious round of applause]
Verrrry interesting, I can see you’ve given this a lot of thought. But tell me, Reverend, why do we even have these little bits of animal horn at the tips of our toes to begin with?
“Because the Lord God Jehovah has them, and we were created in His holy image. They are also useful, if not terrible effective, for scratching the backs of your calves if one doesn’t want to bend over.” [Exclamations of “Hallelujah!” and “You tell ‘em, Rev!”]
Thank you, Reverend, it’s always an honor to have you on the show. Our second guest, Dr. Philip, is author of the inspirational bestseller, soon to be a major motion picture: "Nasty Peccadilloes!" Dr. Philip, aside from not copulating with Satan, do you have any other advice for our viewers today who want to avoid this loathesome disease?
“Yes, indeed I do, Henry. One, keep your nails short, dry and clean. Two, do not share socks, nail clippers or toe rings with drug addicts, prostitutes, and Congressional Republicans from the humid states. Three, don’t chew your toenails or the toenails of strangers. And four, politely ask any waitperson with grotesquely yellow, twisted nails, not to put his or her thumb or big toe in your soup, gravy or garlic mashed potatoes. [General murmur of approbation] These simple precautions have been found to be every bit as effective as placebos in preventing the spread of this terrible plague. And off the top of my head, it certainly can’t hurt to avoid having unprotected sex with our brothers and sisters of the simian persuasion who work in the maritime trades. At least not until we know more.”
Hmmm, prudent suggestions. Thank you, doctor. And now …
“One other thing, I’d like to mention, Henry, if I might.”
Yes, of course, Dr. Philip, please do.
“Recent studies have shown that toenails grow at 1 - 3 millimeters per month and fingernails at 2 - 4 mm per month. Analyzing this data with the most powerful supercomputers on the planet, scientists at the Large Hadron Collider have tentatively concluded that fingernails sometimes, but not always, grow faster than toenails. If true, the ramifications are enormous.” [Oohs and ahhs of wonder from the audience]
Oh yes, I can see that. Fascinating … and terrifying.
We have just enough time for a few questions from our audience. Yes, you with the nylon stocking over your head.
“This question is for Dr. Philip. Can I get this bug from toilet seats?”
“You can catch just about anything from toilet seats, which is why I never use them.” [Murmur of unease from the camera crew]
Whoa! Really? Wow! That’s a whole show right there. Well, maybe next season. Ok, the blonde lady in the second row in the hot pants and halter top who must weigh, I dunno, three, four hundred pounds:
“Reverend Pat, is it all right with Our Merciful Lord to use hot-pink nail polish on my toenails? My hubby really likes it after he's had a few drinks.” [Knowing female chortles, and one husky “Uh huh, you got that right, girl!”]
“The Lord’s got nothing against a fine-looking woman wanting to please her man. And neither do I!” [Flirtatious titters, cowboy whoops and rebel yells]
Boy, lots of meat coming out of these questions. Let’s keep it going. All right, the ethnic looking gentleman in the turban and dreadlocks. No, not you – that’s a beret, not a turban – you, sir:
“Dr. Bill, what if I don’t treat my nail fungus?”
“Lack of treatment may lead to nail loss or deformity, headaches, anxiety, nausea, asthma, stroke, constipation, dry mouth, liver damage, depression and suicide. Basically, you run the same risks as those associated with antidepressants, nasal sprays and TV watching.”
“And secondly, why don’t you buy some hair plugs, rich man? You as bald as a manatee!” [Hoots of delight, stamping of feet]
“I won’t dignify that with an answer.”
“You pompous ass-bag!” [Furious applause]
And whoops! We’ve run out of time. Thank you, panel. And thanks for joining us! Good night everybody, and God bless!
Henry E. Panky
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